


The Proper Care and Feeding of Minions

by Azul_Bleu



Category: South Park
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-06
Updated: 2012-05-06
Packaged: 2017-11-04 22:44:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/399017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azul_Bleu/pseuds/Azul_Bleu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cartman knows he’s straight. And Butters is girly. So it makes sense. This is a totally heterosexual proposition he’ll be making.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Proper Care and Feeding of Minions

**Author's Note:**

  * For [formerdinosaur](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=formerdinosaur).



> I've been blocked and needed a prompt, and yea, formerdinosaur @ lj did provide! prompt: Cartman and Butters doing weird shit together as teenagers. Butters is super naive (OR IS HE) and Cartman is deeply in denial about the fact that it's "gay."

Cartman has never dreamed particularly vividly. He does most of his dreaming awake, schemes and plots and visions of Kyle humiliated and crying playing across his mind. When wet dreams make their ridiculously inconvenient appearance, they’re all vague and hazy. He wakes up sticky and panting and _wanting_ , but all he can ever remember are soft blue eyes and a flash of blonde. 

It was totally Bebe, he assures himself. 

*** 

The first time Cartman looks over at Butters and wants to kiss him, he’s fifteen.

Butters is sitting beside him in the booth at Bennigan’s sucking on a straw, his lips pursed and soft and there’s a tiny bit of his shake glistening at the corner of his mouth (who the fuck orders vanilla, seriously, it’s not even a flavour) and it’s so obscene that it hits Eric straight in the crotch. He goes from soft to achingly hard in a truly astonishingly short time and he’s so confused that he doesn’t even know he’s staring until Kyle makes a bitchy comment.

Predictably, Cartman throws a shit fit and storms out (well, tries, but storming out with a hard on as raging as his? Not possible) and he’s pathetically grateful for the bulk of his parka. 

Butters follows him placidly, and Cartman doesn’t even yell at him for the rest of the day. 

*** 

It’s not _gay_. Butters is… well, he’s a girl. As close to being a girl as you can be without a vagina. He even fooled other girls into thinking he was one of them. That’s a sign. 

Right? _Right_.

*** 

“So, hey, I was thinking,” Cartman says one afternoon. Butters is lying on Cartman’s bedroom floor, chin in his hands and feet kicking idly as he reads a comic book. He looks so un-masculine and it’s reassuring. 

“What’s that, Eric?”

Cartman knows he’s straight. And Butters is girly. So it makes sense. This is a totally heterosexual proposition he’ll be making. “Remember those photos? In fourth grade?”

Butters raises an eyebrow. “Which ones?”

Fuck, he’s going to make him say it. That shouldn’t make Eric’s dick twitch, but there you go. “The ones that got you got sent to that camp.”

Butters looks down at his comic. Well, Eric’s comic. “Yeah, what about ‘em?”

Cartman clicks crazily on his computer, trying to will his cock to calm down. “Just that, like, we should do that again. You should suck my dick.”

Butters’ mouth drops open, and hey, _not helping_. “Really?”

Cartman huffs. “Jesus, Butters, you know I’m a man of action, I don’t say things I don’t mean. What do you—” 

He’s going to say more, he really is, but Butters is suddenly kneeling in front of him, reaching for his fly, and he’s _licking his lips _and Eric can’t really think of anything else.__

Butters looks down at Cartman’s cock like it’s a math problem, a little furrow between his brows. Then he leans down and kisses the tip, delicately, sweetly, and Cartman groans. 

“Fucking get on with it.”

Butters smiles. Eric can feel it against the head. “I ain’t ever done this before.”

“And you think I have?” Cartman snarls. “Just… lick it. I guess.”

Butters does, the tip of his tongue flickering out to lick at a drop of pre-come. “Like that?”

“Un. Yeah.” Cartman doesn’t know how he’s still able to talk. His voice is a gravely imitation of itself. 

Butters seems to be reassured, though, and he reaches forward to grasp Eric at the base. Cartman bucks up with a stuttering cry, and Butters’ grip tightens and slides with him, and he licks Eric again, and that’s enough. Cartman comes with a strangled whine, an utterly embarrassing noise, but Butters isn’t going to tell on him. Not when he’s wiping Eric’s come from his face and smiling that funny little smile. 

Cartman heaves, trying to get enough air, and thinks that this is possibly the best idea he’s ever had. 

*** 

They get better at it. Butters slowly learns what Cartman likes and Cartman learns not to blow his load in the first innings. It’s months later before Cartman reaches down Butters’ pants during a sleep-over. Butters is squirmy and breathy and it’s all Eric can do to keep him quiet while he rubs him off, Butters’ little hips jerking and writhing, sweat standing on his skin and that little furrow in his brow. 

Cartman likes the look Butters gives him afterwards, dazed and worshipful. Butters will just be even more loyal to him, now. It’s not gay. Cartman’s being strategic. 

*** 

So it’s a thing. Butters blows him, Cartman gives him handjobs under the covers and they never, ever talk about it. They don’t kiss. It’s not gay if there’s no kissing. 

And if Cartman yells at Butters less, if Butters sends him little looks from under his eye-lashes across the lunch table, if Cartman beats up that fucking theatre kid who told Butters that he sounded like a strangled cat when he sang… well. That’s unrelated. 

*** 

“Where’s good for dates?” Stan asks him one evening after football practice. They’re in the locker room, packing away their kit. Cartman discovered the joys of a really good tackle in sophomore year and now, one year later, they’re on track to actually win a couple of games. 

“Stanley, you seem to be confused. I am a stallion. The ladies come to me for a night of unbridled pleasure, which I deign to provide. I don’t pay for them to eat a fucking salad and then steal my fries.”

Stan rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Just, where’s Butters’ favourite place?”

Cartman freezes. “What?”

Stan rambles on. “Where do you take Butters on special occasions? Like, your anniversary or whatever.”

“ _What_?”

Stan looks over at him, confused. “Huh?” 

“ _Butters_?”

Stan raises an eyebrow. “You know, your boyfriend?”

Cartman doesn’t think, just lunges and his fist hits Stan’s cheek before he even realises.

*** 

Cartman will later contest his suspension for fighting on the grounds of temporary insanity. 

Not his, of course. Stan’s. 

*** 

“Why would you do that, Eric?” Butters asks that night when they’re under the covers. Butters’ parents are away and he’s staying with Eric. He doesn’t even pretend to use the guest room, just made himself cosy in Cartman’s. 

Cartman looks away, ignores the feeling of Butters’ breath on his neck, the weird squirming in his chest. “He was saying things. Awful things. Lies.”

Butters just hums and curls closer.

*** 

Stan is pissed, Kyle is _livid_ , and Kenny thinks the whole thing is hilarious. Cartman ignores them all, until Kenny corners him one morning after home room. 

“So you and Butters aren’t fucking, huh?”

Cartman does _not_ twitch. “Jesus, just because you lot are ass rammers doesn’t mean I caught the fudge-packing virus.”

Kenny smirks in that particularly dirty way he perfected before the rest of them even knew what innuendo was. “So he’s free?”

Cartman scowls. “Why?”

Kenny shrugs. “He’s cute. Plus, that ass, man. I’d plough it like the Amish.”

Cartman doesn’t punch him. Just scoffs like he’s disgusted and storms off. 

*** 

Butters isn’t at school the next day. He doesn’t answer Cartman’s calls, his emails, his texts, nothing. 

Cartman’s annoyed. He didn’t put in all this effort for his lackey not to be around when he’s needed. 

He storms up to Butters’ front door and bangs on the door. 

“Go away, Eric!” he hears from above him. Butters is sticking his head out of his window and glaring furiously, like he wants to incinerate him on the spot. 

“What the hell, Butters? You ignoring me, now?”

Butters just glares harder. “You broke up with me. What did you expect?”

Cartman wonders if space madness can happen to people on Earth. 

“We weren’t fucking dating, Butters, you asshole! I’m not gay!”

Butters rolls his eyes. “Oh, of course not. How nice for you.”

“Just let me in.”

“No!”

“Why not?”

“Because I _am_ gay, and we _have_ been dating, we’ve been dating for _years_ , and you’re an _idiot_.” Butters slams the window and won’t open it again. No matter how much Cartman swears.

*** 

Stan and Kyle still aren’t talking to him, Butters is avoiding him like it’s his job, and Kenny just looks at him with amused tolerance. Maybe it’s for the best. Cartman can’t associate with too many faggots, anyway. It would damage his rep. 

Their next game, Cartman tackles a guy hard enough to knock him out. But when he looks to the stands, Butters isn’t there, waving his stupid ass pompoms and shouting the rhyming cheers he made up. 

*** 

Kenny offers him alcohol and weed, and Cartman takes him up on it for once. Things get pretty hazy way too fast, but he does remember Kenny laughing his head off and rolling his eyes. 

“You’re just as repressed as each other. Never kissed him? And you’ve never gone near his ass? What a goddamn waste.”

Cartman swears off drugs forever. Mind altering substances interfere with plotting, anyway.

*** 

The thing about plots is that they’re easier to carry off with two.

There’s a reason the loyal henchman is a supervillain classic.

*** 

He sees Butters and that Dougie kid sitting really close on the bleachers one lunch, and suddenly Cartman can’t take it anymore. He marches over, and he doesn’t even have a chance to threaten him before Dougie is scrambling away. 

Butters frowns disapprovingly at him. “Really, Eric.”

“Shut up.” Cartman doesn’t fidget, and he sure as hell doesn’t shuffle his feet. “So, I was thinking. We should try something.”

Butters is wary. “What?”

Cartman rolls his eyes. “Just stand up, okay?”

Butters does, but he’s obviously confused, and a little cagey. Cartman doesn’t give him time to back out, just grabs his shoulders and pulls him forward. 

It’s not exactly a first kiss out of the movies. It’s awkward and Cartman’s lips are chapped and his nose is smooshed up against Butters’. But then Butters sighs and flicks his tongue out, and tilts his head, and all Cartman can smell is Butters. 

They pull apart, and Butters is smiling. 

“So, we’re dating now. Okay? You still gotta put out,” Cartman mutters, but Butters is leaning in again and Cartman guesses that being an okay boyfriend will be beneficial to his world domination plans. 

***


End file.
